Mary Had a Little Sue
by Chaotic Demon
Summary: Francesca Aiko Elric von Periwinkle III is the new sue in town. Like others of her kind, she's unbelievably perfect in every way. So, why doesn't anyone start falling for her charms?
1. Santa Barbara, 1987

Disclaimer: I don't own Psych. However, I do unfortunately own Victory, Midori and Francesca.

Yes. This is a Mary-Sue parody. This should be fun.

Er... Ignore the whole gun thing. I took a ballistics class.

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"Shawn!" Henry cried out urgently, as he desperately searched the house for his son. The kid wasn't in his room or watching TV. The yard was completely vacant and he has already called the Gusters to confirm that Shawn hadn't followed Gus home. Unfortunately, that only left one possible place he could be.

He inched out the front door, watching the neighboring yard like it would attack him at any moment. He forced his hand away from his police-issues pistol. Sure, the horrible safety mechanisms on the double-action semi-automatic pistol would make it amazingly easy to "accidentally" shoot whatever was on the other side of that picket fence, but both murder and manslaughter were highly frowned upon.

As he reached the neighbor's front door he took a steadying breath and knocked. There was no going back after this. He could hear a small discussion occurring inside the house before the door opened. "Oh, hello Mr. Spencer."

Henry gave a strained smile. "Hello Victory."

Victory Athena McDowell was sixteen years old. Her rich, black, onyx hair tumbled past her shoulders in soft, gentle, elegant curls. Her large, sparkling, cerulean eyes shined with youthful energy, yet held a shadow of a difficult past in their depths. Her clear skin was lightly tanned in a way that other women would kill for.

"Is Shawn over here?" Henry asked as he fought back a grimace.

Victory smiled, her perfect teeth dazzling in the sunlight. "Yes," she replied, "Would you like to come in?"

The man gulped as the doorway seemed to loom portentously in front of him. The pink walls and avante garde paintings of kittens visible over the teenager's shoulder seemed like the emissaries from hell. If he went in there, he might not come back. "No thank you. But if you could just get Shawn for me…"

"Victory? What's going on?" Another figure appeared behind her. This one had hair the color of spun gold and eyes like flawless emeralds, even though a flawless emerald is an impossibility. She was just the right height and had curves in the right places. And there, just behind the newcomer, was his son. "Oh," she exclaimed as she saw the officer, "Are you here to take Shawn back home."

Henry gave a gruff nod, not trusting himself to speak now that there were two of them.

"Goodbye Shawn," the two women chorused.

The boy in question waved. "Bye Victory, Midori."

As soon as his son was in his possession, he raced them back to their own house and sat them both down on the couch. "I don't want you over there anymore, Shawn."

"But why not?"

"They're dangerous."

Shawn gave him a skeptical stare.

"They're Mary-Sues. They'll take control of you and make you do things you don't want to. Promise me that if you ever encounter one, you'll be careful."

The child gave a weary sigh. "I promise, Dad."

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	2. ExSuese Me

Eek! I killed myself!

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The southern Californian air was crisp and clear as Shawn sat at his desk, pondering over his latest case. A girl had been found dead in front of her computer. However, no one could figure out a cause of death. He peered at the picture of the website opened up on her laptop. From the looks of things, the deceased girl was a fan fiction author. He squinted for a moment as he tried to make out her pen name. "Chaotic Demon, huh?" he mused.

At that moment, the door to the Psych office opened. Since Gus was still at Central Coast, the intruder was a great mystery. After a few moments, the figure stepped through the second doorway.

The girl's dark hair brushed the top of her breasts, exposed by the low-cut tank top she was wearing. Her violet eyes glimmered from underneath her dark, full eyelashes. Delicate hands, complete with a French manicure, extended below her short denim skirt.

Shawn blinked before addressing the young woman. "Welcome to Psych. May I help you?" Her eyes shimmered with tragic tears as she launched herself into the psychic's arms. The scent of strawberries overwhelmed him as he tried to figure out what the hell was going on. 'I hate strawberries,' he thought, wrinkling his nose in disgust. He patted the girl's back awkwardly. "Are you okay?"

The girl nodded her head, but did not speak.

"Err… I'm Shawn Spencer," he said, in hopes of getting her to talk and then off of him. When that failed to produce any results he sighed. "You know, it's considered rude to hang all over a stranger. Who are you?"

She put a little distance between them, although she was still close enough that Shawn could see the moisture on her eyelashes. Miraculously, her mascara hadn't run despite her being teary. Her perfectly plump lips parted as she introduced herself. "I am Francesca Aiko Elric von Periwinkle III, your true love." With that, she buried herself in his chest.

Shawn was torn between three options: 1) Deny it and push her off of him; 2) Ask her if that meant that two other people before her had that ridiculous name; and 3) Get help. His logical side won out and he picked option three. Quickly grabbing his phone, he sent out the text message, "HELP! Mary-Sue!"

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	3. Sue on the Loose

All pen names mentioned in this fic belong to people I know in real life.

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Gus had still been at his first job when he got Shawn's text. Terrified for his friend, he signed out early and raced his little blue car over to the Psych office, picturing horrifying scenarios all the way. Therefore, it was no great surprise that the salesman screamed like a little girl when he entered the office and saw the Sue hanging all over his best friend. "Shawn!" he exclaimed when he finally recovered from his shriek.

The psychic looked at his friend with an implacable expression. "Shh," he told him, "I'm hoping if we ignore her she'll go away."

Gus frowned and strode over to the girl. He proceeded to grab her and quite literally drop her a few feet away from her original location. Walking back over to Shawn, he asked, "Do we have a new case?"

The Spencer scion, still gaping at the way his best friend had manhandled Francesca, absently gestured at the file. "Gus! I didn't think you had it in you."

He merely shrugged before opening the file. "Chaotic Demon? Where did she get that pen name?" Shaking his head, he continued, "From the looks of things, we should probably talk to her brothers." He squinted at the file. "CeLeSTialFuRY-GC and Bill the Demon Pony? What is up with these names?"

"Then we should talk to Demonic Chaos," a female voice commented. Both men turned to find that Francesca Aiko Elric von Periwinkle III was standing just behind Shawn, poised to pounce on him when he least expected it. He quickly scuttled away from her and asked the first thing he could think of to distract her. "Who's Demonic Chaos?"

The Sue shrugged. "The dead girl's best friend. It's right there in the file."

Gus looked down. Sure enough, the pen name was listed. "I guess we're going to interview them."

"Oh!" Francesca's lovely violet eyes lit up in excitement. "Let me come! I'm an accomplished detective, you know."

Shawn was quiet for a moment before replying. "Why not? Maybe we can pass you off on Lassie when we get the chance."

Francesca tilted her head to the side. "What?" she asked, sounding genuinely confused.

"Nothing."

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	4. Mistress Mary, Quite Contrary

I've yet to tell CeLeSTiaLFuRY-GC, Bill the Demon Pony, and Demonic Chaos that they're being featured in this story. I wonder how they'll take it.

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Chaotic Demon's family room was generously decorated with southwestern themed paintings, standing out against the bougainvillea pink walls. Shawn, Gus, and Francesca Aiko Elric von Periwinkle III sat on one of the leather couches while CeLeSTiaLFuRY-GC, Bill the Demon Pony, and Demonic Chaos were spread out on the other two.

"So," began Gus, "Do you have any clue what might have happened to kill Chaotic Demon?"

Demonic Chaos shot a quick look over at the Sue before shaking her head, her dyed hair flying with the motion. Bill the Demon Pony mimicked the action before readjusting his Prada glasses from their perch on his nose. CeLeSTiaLFuRY-GC took the longest to respond, but he answered negatively as well.

"She was found in front of her computer, right?"

"Yeah," answered Bill.

"Can we see it?"

Shawn raised his hand to his temple. "I'm sensing Lassie already filed it into evidence."

CeLeSTiaLFuRY-GC nodded. "He's right."

"Let's go see her room." Francesca jumped up and walked down a hallway. Shawn and Gus quickly followed her. Gus gaped when they found that Francesca had indeed found the correct room. Shawn spent a few moments staring at the Sue spinning around in a computer chair before glancing around the bedroom. The exceedingly bright walls (orange sponged over with lime green and pink) were the first thing he noticed, followed by the large collections of books and pig paraphernalia.

"She was sitting in the computer chair when she died," he said, recalling the information from the file.

Francesca stopped spinning momentarily.

Shawn sighed. "There's nothing new we can learn here. Let's go visit Lassie." He moved to step out of the room. However, Demonic Chaos was standing in his way. Their gazes met for a few seconds before she suddenly hugged him. He was shocked until he felt her slip something into his hand. When she pulled away, there was a flash drive resting innocently in his palm.

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Yes. My younger brother had Prada glasses. It's very amusing.

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	5. You Have IsSues

I have to thank dragonnan on the Psychfic forums for coming up with the drug use thing.

Oh! I checked Francesca on the Mary Sue Litmus Test. She was so positive it was scary.

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Shawn was still thinking about the flash drive that Demonic Chaos had discreetly handed him as the trio walked into the station. In fact, he was so focused that he almost didn't hear Juliet call out to him. He looked up quickly, quite obviously startled. "Hey, Jules."

"Shawn, are you okay?" the detective asked him, after briefly greeting Gus.

"I'm fine. The spirits are just really talkative today." He managed a grin.

Juliet looked unsure about his reply, but took notice of Francesca before she could say anything about it. She smiled at the newcomer and held out her hand. "I'm Detective Juliet O'Hara. It's nice to meet you."

The Sue looked down at the extended hand with disdain. "Francesca Aiko Elric von Periwinkle III, Shawn's true love," she responded, violet eyes flashing dangerously at the other woman before she draped herself all over the psychic.

As said man tried desperately to pry the offending female off of him, Gus sidled up to the shocked detective and murmured, "She's a Mary-Sue."

Juliet's understanding was visible in her expression.

"Spencer!" Lassiter's voice was enough the startle the Sue in her attempts to engage the psychic in a passionate kiss. Shawn took this opportunity to escape from her clutches and hide behind the Head Detective. The older man was about to say something else when he managed a good look at Francesca. He stared at her for at least a full minute.

The remaining three exchanged worried glances, obviously concerned that he had fallen under Sue-sickness. "Don't do it, Lassie," Shawn cried, "She's a Mary-Sue."

"Is that what they're calling them, now?" With only a few quick strides, Carlton had grabbed a hold of the von Periwinkle girl and began dragging her to the interrogation rooms. "So, you want to tell me what drugs you're taking before I turn the voice recorder on?"

Shawn, Gus, and Juliet stared at the retreating figures for a moment before the psychic remembered something. "Hey Jules? Can I use your computer? I have a flash drive to investigate."

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	6. The Story of a Sue

I don't care what my word processor says. "Sempiternal" is so a real word.

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The tape recorder hummed softly as Lassiter stared across the table at the Sue. "Do you understand your rights as I have read them to you?" he asked, oozing professionalism.

"Yes."

"At this time, do you wish to talk?"

"Yes."

"Do you understand that, if at any point in this interrogation, you change your mind, we will stop the interrogation?"

"Yes."

Lassiter nodded his head in approval. Now he could get on with the important stuff. "Please state your name."

"Francesca Aiko Elric von Periwinkle III," the Sue said in all seriousness.

The detective blinked, loosing temporary control of his expert demeanor. "You mean two other people have had that God awful name?"

Francesca gasped at his sudden outburst, making Carlton realize his error. He cleared his throat awkwardly before continuing, "Age?"

"Sixteen."

"Place of birth?"

"Tucson, Arizona."

"Ethnicity?"

"Mary-Sue."

The detective paused for a moment as he registered her response. This could possible be in his favor. If he could find just a little bit of evidence that she was on drugs, this would make it that much easier to convict her. "Do you have anything to tell me before I ask anymore questions?" In half an hour, Lassiter would come to regret asking that question.

The Sue sighed and Carlton got a good look at her eyes, sempiternal pools shimmering with long felt pain and heartbreak. "When I was about five," she began, "Mr. Malediction murdered my parents. It was my fault, you see. I had been so eager for a bedtime story that my parents didn't have a chance to activate the psychokinetic force fields. It was all too easy for him to get inside the house without them."

Lassiter raised his eyebrow. Was this girl on hallucinogens? "Go on," he prompted.

"Well, then Mr. Malediction adopted me and made me his slave. I eventually managed to run away, but he's still out there, somewhere, looking for me. Sometimes, he actually manages to find me. This one time at band camp-"

The detective sighed. This could take a while.

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I couldn't resist the American Pie reference.

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	7. Mary Popsin

Poor Lassie. Apparently, he knows nothing of Mary-Sues.

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"What is it?" Juliet asked, the computer screen lighting up her face.

Gus leaned closer. "I think the flash drive is full of Chaotic Demon's fan fiction. But this is strange. One of the character's name's is censored." He pointed at a sentence. Sure enough, the line read "Without bothering to look behind her, & ran off into the crowded marketplace."

Shawn frowned. "There has to be a clue somewhere." He skimmed through the contrived writing, muttering to himself. "Berlin… the Pope… Mr. Malediction… demons…" He groaned in exasperation. "This is ridiculous."

"That girl," Lassiter's voice announced from just behind them, "is almost definitely on drugs."

The psychic rolled his eyes. "No she's not. She's just a Sue."

"Then explain why she told me such a ridiculous background story."

Gus spoke up. "He already told you. She's a Sue."

"And this Mr. Malediction character?"

The younger three blinked before turning to look at the screen as one.

"Oh shit…" Shawn exclaimed brilliantly.

Gus and Juliet could only nod dumbly in agreement.

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	8. Long John Brown and Little Mary Bell

The chapter title is a poem by William Blake. I've never read it. I chose it because of the Mary Bell part. If you don't get it, go look her up on a serial killer site.

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As Francesca Aiko Elric von Periwinkle III came out of the interrogation room, Shawn caught her violet gaze. All of a sudden, everything clicked in his mind. Quickly, he hurled himself away from Juliet's desk, causing the monitor to teeter dangerously on the wooden surface. He kept his eyes on the Sue as he let out a terrified scream. "No! Stay away from me!" he shrieked in a high soprano.

Gus stared at him for a moment before his eyes widened. "He's channeling Chaotic Demon's spirit!" he exclaimed. He paused for a moment before adding in an undertone, "She was a second alto, you idiot. Didn't you read the file?"

Shawn continued with his psychic charade as he clutched his head and fell to his knees with another girlish wail. Chest heaving as the author's spirit supposedly left his body, he pointed his finger at Francesca. "You," he declared, "You killed her."

The Sue's gaped at his accusation. "What? Why in the world would I kill her?" she asked, gesturing to herself with a perfectly manicured hand.

"Because," the psychic said, shakily getting to his feet, "she created you. Don't try to deny it. Your fanfic is right on the computer there."

Francesca let out a nervous laugh. "So? That doesn't mean I killed her."

The Spencer scion stumbled forward. "She forgot about you. She left you in the lurch of your epic showdown with Mr. Malediction. But that was fine. After all, as long as the fic was still around, you still existed." He paused and took in the incredulous expressions from the surrounding persons. He continued, "However, Chaotic Demon improved her writing and her characterizations. She no longer had any use for Mary-Sues. In fact, she was going to delete your story. You couldn't let that happen, so you killed her."

The von Periwinkle was visibly trying to contain herself. "If I'm fictional, how could I have managed to kill her?"

"You're a Mary-Sue. You're naturally overpowered. According to this chapter," he explained, gesturing to the computer, "you have demonic powers. With those, it would have been all too easy to finish her off. However, you still had the problem of getting away with the murder. Once again, you decided to rely on your Sueness. That's why you were hanging all over me earlier. You wanted to distract me so much that I wouldn't solve the case." He finished with an emphatic nod.

Francesca bowed her head, causing her eyes to be shrouded in shadow. She smirked and began laughing, lifting her face so that her eyes, now with cat-like pupils, were once again visible. A dark, crackling aura was surrounding her and the ground started shaking. "Well," she began, "it looks like you have it all figured out. Too bad you're all going to die."

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On an unrelated note, I want to go to a vending machine convention.

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	9. Mary Ann Cotton, She's Dead and Rotten

This chapter contains the only appearance of Buzz McNabb. :P

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The menacing aura surrounding Francesca Aiko Elric von Periwinkle III gave a particularly loud crack and the Sue lifted off of the ground. She aimed her open palm at Shawn and he was sent flying back into a file cabinet.

"Shawn!" Juliet screamed before turning back to look at the perpetrator. In one fluid motion, she removed her gun from her holster and pointed it at the levitating girl. She fired.

The bullet ricocheted off of a force field surrounding Francesca and went through a wall. A faint clink of metal on metal could be heard as the bullet apparently hit another filing cabinet in the next room. The violet-eyed girl gestured to the female detective and Juliet was suddenly bound in ropes.

Gus and Lassiter shared a look. The salesman jumped directly in front of the Sue and started flailing his arms around. "Hey, Francesca!" As she turned her attention to Burton, Lassiter carefully snuck behind her. "You're an unrealistic character!" Gus shouted. "You have no depth!"

The Sue's face contorted in rage. "What do you know? You're just jealous of me!" A hole opened up underneath the salesman's feet and he fell screaming.

Lassiter took this opportunity to try and tackle her. However, this plan was derailed by the same force field that deflected Juliet's bullet. He fell to the ground with a groan.

Just at that moment, a new voice spoke up, "Guys? What's going on?" Buzz McNabb was standing within two feet of the Jules' computer, a confused expression on his face.

Shawn, still disoriented from the Sue's attack, blinked dazedly at the officer. "Buzz?" He shook his head to clear it a little before shouting, "Buzz! Delete the file on the computer!"

McNabb looked even more confused.

"Don't ask. Just do it," Juliet added.

The officer shrugged and crossed the distance in two strides. He leaned over and quickly sent the file to the recycle bin. Three more clicks and the bin was emptied.

Francesca Aiko Elric von Periwinkle III shrieked. Her skin bubbled before it started melting off. Her aura crackled more violently and began spiraling rapidly. She remained like this for a few seconds before she imploded. A hole opened up in the ceiling and Gus fell from it, landing with a thump.

All was silent for a moment before Shawn sighed. "Thank God that's over."

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Only the epilogue to go.

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	10. Epilogue

It's finally over. I feel so sad.

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The sun was shining merrily over the Psych office as Shawn filed away the murder case of Chaotic Demon. It had been one of his most interesting experiences. Hopefully, though, Francesca Aiko Elric von Periwinkle III's guilt would prevent other Sue's from being created.

The door to the office creaked open and Shawn turned to the newcomer. Her red hair tumbled past her shoulders in waves and her milk chocolate eyes glistened as she looked at the psychic. "Brother," she exclaimed, "I've finally found you. I thought I would never escape from my evil adoptive parents, but here I am."

As the newest Sue began to ramble on, Shawn groaned. "Not again…"

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